Attention Childhood Myth Busters: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

“Man, the Tooth Fairy is seriously lazy!”funny-tooth-fairy-comic-boy

“I know, right?”

My son’s tooth has been languishing under his pillow for weeks as I tell myself night after night to put something under his pillow. Anything.

Forensically speaking, “languishing” may not be the best word as it denotes “loss of vitality and strength” which I’m not sure happens to teeth.

It’s my impression, from watching repeats of Bones, that teeth are some of the last remains when all else has decayed to dust.

Well, unless you use Meth. Then your teeth languish really, really quickly. Like this guy’s.

meth teeth

Teeth on meth. (courtesy of

Sorry for the visual. But if you want more just Google “before and after meth” images. Sobering.

In the meantime,  an 8-year old patiently waits for his singles. I either forget or if I remember simply don’t have the cash. Who carries cash these days? I had to dig for change under the car seat and flirt with the attendant just to escape a parking garage the other day.

Instead of cash, I could use the coupon for a free meal at Chipotle that a librarian gave me for coming to Games Night. A free taco bowl with drink! It’s transferable and valid until 2015. But technically, it’s my son’s coupon. Re-gifting would make me simultaneously cheap and busted.

Perhaps my old Metro card? It still has about $18 on it. But he’ll have to fill out a form to activated it. I could put that under his pillow too. Tell him it’s like a treasure map.

But really. I’m off the hook for this one. It’s not my fault. It feels good blaming a mythical fairy. Too good. Instead of complaining about perpetuating these childhood myths, now I’m figuring out how to recruit more to the Home Team.

“Mom, what’s for dinner?”

Good question. The Food Fairy has been serious slacking lately.

“Mom! I’m out of bubble bath!”

That damn Keep House Supplied With Toiletries Fairy! Remind me to fire his fairy ass.

Make motherhood more like a union job. Yeah, I’d love to organize those Legos. But that’s the Lego Fairy’s job. Would hate to step on toes. Especially tiny fairy toes.